Procrastination Slash The Evils of the Internet

You sit down to write. You're armed with water, a hot beverage and a snack. You open your word processor and skim the last few paragraphs you wrote the day before. You're ready to go.

You start typing. Clackity clackity clack. Happy writing! Yay! Things are going well.

And then, something happens. Something not unusual. You type a word, read the sentence back, and realize that you need a synonym. That word just doesn't work. Suddenly, there is a voice. An icy, ragged voice in the back of your mind, and it whispers "Use meeee."

You give it no thought. You're a writer, after all. You hear voices frequently. Now back to this word that does not work. You need a synonym, so naturally, you need a thesaurus. You minimize your word processor and open up your web browser, finding your favorite online thesaurus.

But wait! You see something in one of your tabs...is that a new email? Abruptly, the cold voice is back. "Use meeee," it pleads. "I've brought you a gift! Look in your inbox."

Enticed, you click on your Email tab...and behold! TWO new emails! And oh! One of them is from your critique partner, the other is from Twitter, informing you that someone replied to one of your Tweets. These ARE gifts!  You open the email from your critique partner, relishing every word they write about your MS. You must reply to this email at once to ask their opinion on problem number 2 in MS, and also discuss what they pointed out, and also find out what they think about the heroine doing that thing in chapter 9. And so you do. You send the email out, feeling satisfied.

"Use meeee."

What? Oh. That voice is back again.

"You've forgotten your other giffftt!" it rasps.

Oh, right. Twitter! You click on the person's reply. Hahah, oh, this person is so funny! Hm, you wonder, what is everyone else up to on Twitter?

"Go look!" the voice urges.

Yes. Yes, you think you WILL go look. Besides, you should probably reply to your reply, anyway. You scroll through the Timeline, reading everyone's tweets, and reply to your reply, spending a little too much time trying to think of something witty and funny to say.

"Look! Look over there!" The voice says. You think you hear a gritty, low laugh, too, but you aren't quite certain.

What does the voice want you to look at? Oh! Someone just posted a new blog post! This person writes quality blog posts. You click on the link and read gleefully. You notice in their "Labels" section that they have a label for Writing. Well, hey! YOU'RE interesting in writing.

"Check it out!" the voice says.

You think this is an excellent idea. The blogger probably has some sterling things to say about writing, which will help you with your OWN writing. Wow, there are so many posts on writing! How wonderful. You read and read and read, so thoroughly entertained and enlightened.

"Muahahahahahha."

What? What was that? Was that you, Voice? Suddenly, you realize that HOURS have past. You're supposed to make dinner and get ready for that thing tonight and clean the kitchen and OH MY GOSH your writing time is gone?! Noooooooooo!!

"Wait! I brought you another present!" The voice says.

Absolutely not! Who is this voice, anyway? "It's all your fault, Voice! This is ALL YOUR FAULT. Who are you? Show yourself like a man!"

The voice laughs darkly. "You know who I am. I bring you emails and Tweets. I give you information and entertainment and endless possibilities!"

You gasp, realizing how stupid you've been. "Internet," you say breathlessly. "You've been enticing me this whole time when all I really wanted was to find a synonym!"

The Internet clicks its tongue at you. "You silly, silly writer. Don't you know that you have the POWER to deny me? But alas, I have won."

You fume, your mouth becoming smaller and smaller as you realize the Internet is RIGHT. "Darn you, Internet!" you cry.

The Internet does not yell back, for he is content. "Until next time," he says.

And you close your web browser, your word processor, and your computer down, defeated. THIS time.