I Am A Writer

I am an amateur writer. I make mistakes. I spell words wrong and use bad grammar (poor grammar?). My sentence structure can be improved upon. My word choices should be reconsidered. My voice, my plot, my characters...they all need work.

I am a slow writer. I take my time. I procrastinate. I avoid, daydream, and get distracted. I delete, rewrite, and delete again.

I am a fearful writer. I'm afraid that the story in my head won't translate to paper the way I imagine it. I'm afraid that nobody will like what I write. I'm afraid that I won't get better. I'm afraid that I'll fail my story and myself.

I am an insecure writer. I read what I've written and gag. Delete, delete, delete. I read my favorite books and think, I'll never be that good.

I am a wandering writer. I wander into life and excuses and daydreams. I wander into other people's books for a while. I wander into new ideas and neglect my main project. I wander through my main project--aimlessly.

I could go on. And on. And on.

But I am also this:

I am a determined writer. I see my weaknesses and am prepared to overcome them. It will be hard. It will be work. But it's worth it to me.

I am a steady writer. I may not write quickly, but I write enough. I set realistic goals for myself and I do them. I finished my draft this way, and I'll finish my revisions this way.

I am a conquering writer. I am aware of my fears and insecurities, but I don't let them stop me. Sometimes they delay me. Sometimes they grieve me. But they don't defeat me.

I am a loyal writer. I don't always write every day. But my writing is constantly on my mind, popping up at odd times and even times and all times. Sometimes I wander, but I always, always come back.

So I've come to accept this: I am a writer.

I may be an amateur, slow, fearful, insecure, and wandering. I may be determined, steady, conquering, and loyal. But I also write. And that makes me a writer. No adjective needed.

Dare to Dream

So, here I am writing my first blog post. I honestly never thought I'd start one, but after spending hours upon hours reading various author blogs and websites, I got The Itch. As in, The Itch to start my own blog. As in, The Itch to create another outlet for procrastination, and hopefully amusement (for myself, obviously).

No, I am not an author, silly reader (is there anyone even out there?). Didn't you read the little profile blurb on the side of the page? No? Well, I suppose now's a good time to fill you in:

I am an aspiring author.

Bah! Writing that makes me squirm and want to hide under a blanket. It's kind of been my little secret for the past year and half, you see. I've been working on my first YA novel for almost two years and I just recently finished the first draft (woo!), but I've only told a select few people. Why? Well, to be honest, it's because I'm afraid of what people might think. I know the immediate reaction is probably along the lines of, "You want to be an author? Yeah, okay." Or, "Can you...you know...write?" Which I perfectly understand. It's not something you hear everyday, and those who know me might write it off as a phase.

Here's another reason I've kept my writing on the down-low: When I'm finally done editing and revising my novel, I fully intend to query agents. And I expect to be rejected. I know it's a tough industry, and you have to be amazing to get an agent, let alone a book deal. Not everyone who reads my book will love it. So, the more people know about my dream, the more people will know when I get rejected. And I think that might be slightly embarrassing to put myself out there and let the world see me fail.

But here I am, "coming out". It's true, and it's my dream. MY DREAM! And I won't be embarrassed for having a dream and chasing it. Sure, it might not come true. Maybe I won't ever get published. Maybe I won't even get an agent. But I have hope, and I'm going to do all that I can to make this happen. And at the end of the day, published or not, it's about me doing something that I love.

Write. Create. Explore. Dream.

Right now it's about the journey. The process. The really hard work and the determination to get better. So, if you'd like, you can join me on this journey. Maybe some of you have secret dreams too? I'm sure you do. I hope you have the courage to follow them.

Until next time!