Dry Spells and Perfectionism

Hello, lovelies!

Oh man, I've been MIA on the blog for a while, haven't I? I've still been around, commenting and on Twitter and such, but I've just felt kind of dry in the blog department. I think that has to do with the fact that I've been kind of dry in the writing department, too. I was chugging along through the rewrite, and then I got to the part where I got stuck last time...and I got stuck again. And I said to myself: Damn you, Amanda! Why, WHY didn't you outline?! And instead of pushing through and just writing, I stopped.

I didn't realize it at the time, but it was/is a serious case of perfectionism that stopped me. I didn't want to write something that I'd have to delete later or that isn't the best way to tell the story. Since I didn't know what came next, I just didn't write anything in fear that it wouldn't be the right thing. My brain was coming up with a million possibilities and I couldn't decide which one was perfectly right. It felt kind of like this:

Well...that's stupid. I'm not going to lie, I'm still really scared that I'll write a load of crap and have to rewrite everything, but the thing is, I won't KNOW it's a load of crap until I write it and the story is finished.

Part of me thinks that this is what I get for partially pantsing this thing (I pants the middle--worst part for me!), but part of me thinks that even if I had an outline, I'd struggle with this anyway. Perfectionism doesn't discriminate between Pantsers or Planners.

So tell me, dear friends, have you ever had a writing dry spell due to perfectionism? Or any other reason? If you're pantsing a particular part of the story, do you just try to let go of the perfectionism and keep writing no matter what, or do you  have to stop and think things through for a while until you feel more confident moving forward?

Thanks for bearing with me during my dry spell. I really love all of you guys!

Oh, oh. Also. The awesome Steph Sessa introduced me to an AMAZING website. It's a bunch of writers who make 15 minute pod-casts on all different writing topics, and it totally helped to get my writing juices flowing again. It's called Writing Excuses and you can go through the archives and even search by topic in the Tags section. The link is here if you're interested. Thanks, Steph!

Growing As A Writer

I think that sometimes, as writers, we tend to get down on ourselves and our writing. We can always improve, we can always fix something and write faster and try harder. Our prose can be better. Our plots tighter. Our characters more likable. Our premises more interesting.

I'm wracked with doubt every time I sit down to write. Doubt and hope. Doubt and hope. It's an endless cycle.

The other day I pulled out my first novel and read some of it. It's still a first draft, and I still love the premise, and I still think about going back to it one day, but...man, it's messy. And kind of scary. And pretty...bad.

But the funny thing is that I used to think it was awesome. (Ha ha ha!) And even though it sounds like I'm bashing myself, I'm not. This realization made me insanely happy, because I realized that I've grown SO MUCH as a writer since that first novel. All that angsting over the keyboard with the new novel has not been in vain. My writing is stronger than it used to be. (And will get stronger still!)

Not only that, but my first novel took me almost two years to write. Just the first draft. I'd write a page or two and think that was impressive for one day. (And hey, at the time, it totally was for me. We do what we can, and I finished the draft that way.) But now? I usually set a goal of at least 1,000 words a day. I never thought I'd be able to do that.

Somehow, during all that writing, even while I was doubting and getting down on myself, I was growing. And I didn't even realize it.

So today, I'd like to encourage all of you who might be doubting your work or getting down on yourselves. Everything you write--EVERYTHING--is helping you grow as a writer. Even that crap scene that you just cut. Even that piece of dialogue that made you cringe. Even that cliche that your CP nailed you for. It's all worth it and helping in some way.

So tell me, lovely friends: in what ways have you grown since you first started writing? What are you most proud of? For me, it's my word count, and the flow of my writing. It's not as choppy as it used to be. It's not perfect by ANY MEANS, but it's better. Definitely better.

It's Always, Always About The Writing

The writing itself is work. Hard, long work. Stop and go. Stop and go. There is no glamour in sweatpants and headaches and half-filled cups of coffee. No triumph in e-mail and twitter and blog checking. There is no power in procrastination. When the words are not coming, when the inspiration isn't there, when you'd rather be doing anything else.

Desk. Computer. Time slipping by while you bury your head in your hands, thinking this will never work.

Couch. Laptop. Time slipping by while you type, type, type. Read, delete. Type again.

Pen. Paper. Time slipping by while you scribble incoherently, hoping, hoping, hoping that you're getting it right.

The writing itself is work. But the moment your vision is realized on paper, the perfect word to convey the perfect meaning, plot points coming together like magic, the thrill of a character coming to life, getting lost in the world...you remember why it's all worth it. Why the doubt and stress give way to hope. Why the long, hard hours are also the most fulfilling. Writing lives in our souls, pumps through our hearts and flows from our fingers. It gives us something to yearn for and hope for and dream for and strive for.

Sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in The Other Side. I fall victim to this all the time, and honestly, it's silly. I haven't even queried yet--I'm not even close to it!--and I want to throw up when I think of my Dream Agent. I get jealous when I see people getting book deals. Yes, that's The Dream, that's what I'm working toward, that's what we're all working toward, but it all comes back to writing. Unagented, Agented, Published...it's all about the writing. That's what the focus should be on, always. It's where it starts and where it ends and will be there through the whole journey. If there were ever a time to linger, to learn, to explore and discover our style/voice/process, it's now. I'm talking to myself here, but maybe some of you can relate. Sometimes I just want to get the writing over with so I can do the NEXT THING...but even on The Other Side, the writing itself will still be the next thing.

So, I'm challenging myself to stop focusing so much on what happens after I finish New Novel and save that energy for writing it. To revel in the process, sweatpants, headaches, procrastination and all.

Guys, I'm excited. Writing is awesome.

A Tough Decision

Current Mood: Angst

Current Music: The War Inside by Switchfoot

You know how sometimes you know something's not right, but you try to ignore it in hopes that it will go away? But it doesn't go away? And it kind of just gnaws at you slowly, until one day you're just a pile of ravaged flesh?

No?

That's...kind of how I feel. Maybe not that intense, I don't know.

Let me say this: I love my WiP intensely. Ridiculously. I have 48k and even though it's the hardest thing I've ever written and I don't know what I'm doing, I'm completely in love with it and I BELIEVE in it. So, so much.

Except. What I have on paper isn't my WiP. It's ragged shadow of my WiP. It's an ugly, writhing ghost of my WiP. It's an impostor. And I know, I KNOW that drafts are supposed to be like that. My first novel was like that. But this is not only ugly, it's totally, completely, utterly wrong. After angsting over it for weeks and weeks, trying to fill the plot holes, having major character revelations, realizing that wow this entire thing needs to be changed, I'm...starting over.

Yes, I know I could have tried to finish and then go back to rewrite, but honestly, I don't want to do that. I know that I'll finish this, so it's not a matter of pushing through just so I can finish the draft. The draft WILL get done, but it's a matter of what kind of draft I want to have. Do I WANT a draft that's so far from my story that I'll have to rewrite the entire thing at least once, probably more? Not really. And aren't I kind of already doing that, since I've already written 48k? I need a draft that resembles the story in my head, especially with all the recent changes. I can't continue the way I am if I want that.

Yes, I think I'll be able to salvage some of that 48k, but for the most part, my timeline is out the window. I'll need to make a new one and accept the fact that no, this probably won't be done by the beginning of Summer anymore.

But it will be better. I'll be happier. And one day the book in my head will all be written down and I'll get to love love love it as actual words, not just a vision. That's what I'm looking forward to, and that's what's keeping me going.

Any Day Can Be A Perfect Day

I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty obsessive about my To Do list. Like, yeah, I enjoy making lists and crossing stuff off and whatnot, but if I don't FINISH my list...I get cranky. I get mad. The more productive I am, the more fulfilled and happy I am. The less productive I am, the more angry and down on myself I am.

I know that I can't do everything, all the time. I know that sometimes things come up, or something takes longer than I'd anticipated, or I'm just feeling blah and don't want to get to certain things on my list that day. I know it's not always in my control. But still. Not completing The List can turn a relatively good day into a bad day.

Especially when it comes to writing.

If I don't make my writing goals, I'm instantly in a bad mood.

But the thing is...that kind of ruins everything else for the day. Obviously, I try as hard as I can to reach my goals and complete my List, but if I know something isn't going to get done, being in a bad mood the rest of the day won't fix it. It only steals the good moments and turns them rotten.

It's hard for me to let some stuff go, to not complete EVERYTHING that I set for myself to do. But it happens. And I'm learning that it doesn't have to ruin everything else. In fact, whether everything gets done on my To Do list or not, it can still be a wonderful day. A lot of it is about mindset and stealing those perfect moments--finding them and holding onto them, and not letting guilt or anything else get in the way.

So today, this ordinary Tuesday, is going to be a good day. Maybe you have work, or chores, or word count goals, or other responsibilities. Let's try our best to get it all done, but if something slips through the cracks, it will still be a good day. Today I'll savor my coffee, enjoy the warm weather, spend time with my husband,  and re-read The Hunger Games (Oh yes, I'm preparing for this weekend!). And I won't feel guilty about letting myself enjoy these things if I don't get everything done. Like the quote says, today is a perfect day for a perfect day.

I'm determined to enjoy it. :)

Do you ever get down on yourself for not completing everything you want to get done?  What are you going to let yourself enjoy today, no matter what?

That Moment...

That moment when you write a scene or a page or a piece of dialogue, and suddenly, unexpectedly, it's just so, so perfect and exactly what you didn't know you wanted, and you literally shed a tear because your characters did something seemingly on their own and it's like magic.

That's why I write.

This actually happened yesterday. I was having trouble getting started (which is always the hardest part for me), and when I finally mustered the motivation I only wrote 281 words, because that ended the scene I had started the day before. Only 281 words, but really...wow.

I'm not saying that I'm the best writer in the world, but I was just waiting for this thing to happen between these two characters, and suddenly in those 281 words IT HAPPENED. And I was just like OMG I did not see that coming at this point but I LOVE IT SO MUCH!

Yay for writer's highs!
(Um, except I'm not in a pant suit. Make that sweatpants.)

And that made me realize that when characters come to life and things come together, that's my favorite part of writing. I'll admit that it's rare for me, which is why I had a mini tear-filled freak-out when it happened yesterday. I actually couldn't write for awhile afterward because I was too excited about those 281 words (Heh. Me = Crazy), and when I did start writing again I was in a funk because I didn't plan my next scene and was just winging it. I'm starting to realize that there are endless highs and lows when writing a novel.

But the highs are so worth it.

In Which I Discuss 'The Climb'

So, it's 1:42am on January 17th. I guess this means I'm officially 24.

24?!

Oh. Mah. Gah.

Okay, I guess it's not that old. It's just...I can't say I'm in my "early" twenties anymore. This is really approaching mid-twenties status. And you know what comes after that? Late twenties. And then? No more twenties. And there are THINGS I want to do before I run out of twenties, you know? I have vision for the future.

I mean, you can make things happen at any age, of course, but sometimes I see published authors who are about my age, or authors with X number of published books already and I think, "Why didn't I start to take writing seriously when I was younger?" And I get kind of jealous. I'm jealous because THEY have accomplished or will accomplish something at such and such age, and I'm still at this stage of the process and it's going to take forever and they're so much more talented and I'm going to be such and such age before anything happens and! and! and!

And really, it doesn't matter.

I'm tired of being jealous. I'm tired of comparing my non-existent writing career with established authors or authors with book deals or agented authors. I might have said this before, but the feeling that I get where everyone is on this happy writer's train and I'm standing in a field watching it go by? Doesn't matter. Because there's a whole schedule of trains. I might not be on the same train as some writers, but I'll catch another one later. Every author has started where I am right now, and right now I'm enjoying the view.

Well, I'm trying to enjoy the view. Really, I am. But it's something I have to constantly remind myself to do. And I have to say, the community of writers online is truly helping with this. I don't feel so alone in the process, and that makes all the difference. So thanks, writer friends, for being so awesome. I'm excited for what I'll do this year writing-wise, and I'm excited for you guys, too. I want to spend this year not thinking about all that I haven't accomplished but all that I've learned so far, and using it to push myself forward.

You know that song "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus (it's from Hannah Montana the movie which, I have to admit, I loved!)? Well, I know it's so cheesy, but it seriously reminds me of this whole writing thing. If you've never heard the song, look it up, or at least look up the lyrics. Again, you'll probably think it's cheesy but REALLY, it's so good! Okay fine, now I have to post a snippet of the lyrics. Here's the chorus:

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Right?!

Anyway.

If you don't mind me, I'm going to read a bit and then go to bed, and when I wake up tomorrow for my first full day of being a 24-year-old, I will make myself some coffee and write :)

Novel Writing: The Opposite of Instant Gratification

So, I wrote a post on how I hit "The Wall" a few weeks ago. I was in a serious funk and hardly worked on revisions at all. I think the enormity of what needed to be done scared me. And honestly, it still scares me. After I finished the draft I marked it up summarized the new scenes I wanted to write, but when I started writing, something happened. I started writing from a second character's POV, and I loved it. This changes a lot of things. Now I can't follow my marked up draft and new summaries perfectly, because I have another POV to think about. I still don't know exactly how I'm going to do this. I still haven't figured it all out. I think what scares me is that after I finish revising, I'll have to revise again and again and again. I have this vision of my story, and it's so awesome and perfect and I can see how amazing it COULD be. The hard part is figuring out how to get it to that stage...and it might take a while. And a lot of drafts.

This is why it's hard: because the hours put in and the work done and the sleep lost do not show instant results. For some writers, the results may come faster and easier than others. For me, it feels like it's taking an eternity.

Writing is NOT instant gratification.

I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but this is where I'm at. It's a long road ahead. There are no shortcuts. I guess I'm just starting to realize this. Sometimes I read about authors who can write a novel in such and such time and revise in such and such time, and I feel like I'm just SO. FAR. BEHIND. Like they're all on this happy writer's train and I'm standing in a field watching it go by, never to find it again.

But, as not to make this a whiny post, I will say this: I DO know that the time invested will be well worth it. The only way to make my story shine like it does in my "vision" is to put the work in, even if that means revising ten more drafts after this one. I believe in this story, and one day it will get there.

So, how is everyone else doing? :)